"Anticipation feeds the root of dreams." -C. Lopez

Dear Boaz,

"You and I"
My hand is lonely for your clasping, dear;
My ear is tired waiting for your call.
I want your strength to help, your laugh to cheer;
Heart, soul, senses need you, one and all.
I droop without your full frank sympathy;
We ought to be together-you and I;
We want each other so, to comprehend
The dream, the hope, things planned or seen, or wrought.
Companion, comforter and guide and friend,

As much as love asks love, does thought ask thought.
Life is so short, so fast the lone hours fly,
We ought to be together, you and I.

-Henry Alford

Anticipation of things to come, of the future ahead keeps me hopeful. I can't wait to spend my forever here and now with you, eager to experience a life together filled with love and laughter. Eager to have someone who will always have my back even during the rough times. And they will come. There will always be foxes lurking around. But most of all eager to have someone I can love, grow in, serve and glorify the Lord Jesus with for as long as I'm breathing.

It's difficult to be patient. But I hope you are because I'm doing my best to be. As you wait, I wait too. It will be well worth it.

You are heart of my heart,
Ruth

This is the Stuff Fairy Tales are Made Of…

Dear Boaz,

I want to tell you a story...

   Once upon a time there was a man named Benjamin and a woman named Gregoria. They lived in neighboring villages and were introduced to each other through their families. One of Gregoria’s sisters was married to a cousin who was close with Benjamin. They became friends and eventually started to fall in love. But unbeknownst to Gregoria,  a marriage was being arranged for her.

   Now in those days, marriages were arranged by the elders of the village one belonged. One of Gregoria’s uncles was an elder of her village and decided to arrange for her a marriage to a very wealthy man.  When Gregoria found out she would be married to a man she didn’t love, let alone barely knew, she ran frantically to tell Benjamin what was happening. Distraught, she told him that if he really loved her that he would find a way to stop the marriage from going through. Benjamin was quite in love with her and was repulsed by the prospect of his love marrying another man. So Benjamin consulted his father and together they devised a plan to rescue Gregoria from her arranged marriage.
   Benjamin went back to Gregoria and told her the plan of escape. He would come get her during the night a few days before she was to be married and they would elope. He planned to bring his cousin and his father along with him. He told her to be ready and keep a sharp look out from her bedroom window for three riders on horses. She would know that it would be them coming to get her because one of them would be on a white horse.
   The night of the rescue, she went to her parents and told them everything that was about to happen. They had no objections because they disliked the man her uncle had matched her with. They were also very aware of the love she had for Benjamin and saw no reason to stop the both of them from being together. With their blessing she waited.
    She waited and waited, eyes straining in the dark, searching for any sign of a rider on a white horse. Soon, in the distance she began to see the outline of three men on horses.  As they came closer to her window, she could see that it was none other than Benjamin riding on the white horse. They were armed with swords on their sides in case anyone caught wind of their plan and someone came to stop them. But they found no trouble and Gregoria climbed out of her window with her belongings , rode away and stayed with her sister for the night. The next day, Benjamin and Gregoria were married at the village hall.
   The best stories are the ones that are true. I love telling my grandparents’ love story. They were happily married for 58 years before they died, 11 months apart during my middle school years. They had 7 children and their youngest is my mom.

    On the days that I feel cynical and feel like we’re never going to happen, stories like this one gives me hope that someday you’ll be willing to fight for me and love me enough to do whatever it takes to be with me for the rest of your life. And I’m not really expecting you to ever literally be on a white horse or dress like a knight in shining armor… but if you want, I probably wouldn’t object ;-D Regardless, I think our story will be just as beautiful as a fairy tale because of course we’ve got the Author of the ultimate love story writing ours.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time..."

Love,
Ruth

Sometimes poets say it best, if not better than what I can come up with myself...

Dear Boaz,

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                    i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings


Do you think telling you that I miss you, that you cross my thoughts more than I'm willing to admit will ever get old? Will you ever get tired of hearing me say those things? Sometimes I'm afraid to write because I feel and think I sound so crazy, writing to and missing someone I haven't even met yet. Someday you'll know the ferocity and intensity of the devotion I have for you already and can only hope every letter written doesn't come off as completely psychotic...

Sometimes...
I'm afraid to write...
To write means revealing myself...
Revealing myself can show, oh, so much vulnerability...
Vulnerability, can be unnerving...

Love,
Your Ruth

Persistence Pays Off

Dear Boaz,

Something I've been learning lately is how God relentlessly pursues us until we can't help but surrender. He's  jealous for my love and wants it exclusively  for Himself. Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice, showed that I am worth dying for and in return I can't help but to be completely and totally devoted to loving and serving Him with all that I am and have. And when I'm tempted to be and am at times just too wrapped up in myself and other things, He swoops in to remind me that He's the only one who matters. I'm praying the Lord keeps us caught up in Him completely from now until the time we meet. (And all the time after that.)

Yours Always,
Ruth

For the days my patience is as thin as a Girl Scout mint cookie...

 Dear Boaz,

The gnawing knot of longing

surfaces now and again,

Overwhelming my thoughts,

Stirring up questions

that keep me up

Late into the night

wondering:

   What you're doing

   Where you are

   When I can finally say:

        "Hello, it's nice to meet you..."

   How it'll happen is up to His perfect timing

         But when it does, then we'll know

   Why.

"For God is my witness, whom I serve with my spirit in the gospel of His Son, that without ceasing I make mention of you always in my prayers,  making request if, by some means, now at last I may find a way in the will of God to come to you.  For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift, so that you may be established— that is, that I may be encouraged together with you by the mutual faith both of you and me." -Romans 1:9-12

Love,

Ruth

Grace Notes

Dear Boaz,

I want you to know I'm thinking and praying for you daily. I know you're somewhere out there and I love you even though I don't know you yet. :)

Your Ruth

Non-Negotiables

Dear Boaz,

If there's one thing you'll learn about me, it's that I like making lists (and if they're on post-its, it's even better.) I've written down somewhere in a journal (and it's also in typed document) a list of qualities I'm praying God is cultivating in you. This isn't the whole list, but the things that are the core of qualities/attributes I hope you'll have.

I'm praying that you are...

- completely and totally devoted to your relationship with Jesus, striving to know Him, growing to be more like Him and love Him passionately.

-willing to sacrifice for me

-going to cherish and nourish our relationship ( through romance)

-willing to understand me (study me and know what causes my soul to thrive and also what deflates it)

-honors me (consideration, chivalry, listens)

-protective of me physically (safety and security), emotionally (sensitivity to my feelings), spiritually (able to tell me what you're thinking so that I wouldn't be fixated on what's on your mind and be distracted from my own relationship with Christ)

 Mark 12:29-30, Ephesians 5:25-33, 1 Peter 3:7 (Yes, biblical references. I'll get to my side of things in another blog...)

May our Lord continue to bless you and provide opportunities in your life that shape and mold you into the man He has called you to be and the one He will someday bring to me. I pray in my own life I'm becoming the woman worth waiting for...

Love,

Your Ruth

"Mawwage is what bwings us together today..." -Princess Bride

Dear Boaz,

This past weekend I went to two weddings. One was of a youth group student I met when she was in eighth grade. The other was of a childhood friend who I would get into all kinds of mischief with (ask me someday about the glue incident(s)). Now that I've had a few days to absorb and reflect on  both ceremonies of these two close people in my life I can write about it now.

Thought #1: Seeing these ceremonies gets me all excited to get married! (When the Lord allows of course. Everything is obviously contingent on His timing for that particular event to occur. He's still preparing you to find me still so... ;-D)

Thought #2: I'm encouraged to see the love of the grooms for each of their brides. I'm so happy for each of my friends to have been found by such exceptional men. The stories of the ways they've sacrificed and pursued  their wives just blows me away. My childhood friend's husband literally left his life on the East Coast, came to California and took a chance on pursuing a relationship with her. I mean wow, you know? Only God could have orchestrated their love story.

Thought#3: Watching the wedding ceremony, knowing the  symbolism behind marriage itself moves me so profoundly every single time. I was tearing up watching them exchange vows. It's like seeing through a window to God's indescribable love, a small taste of seeing how much Christ(groom) loves the church (bride). 

Anyway, it was a great weekend. To be a witness and being a part of such a significant day in their lives was so great. It only makes me pray for you more fervently that God is doing some incredible things in your life and can't wait to hear about them. (Hopefully sooner rather than later.) Until then my love...

Always,

Ruth

Confessions of a Heart on the Mend

 Dear Boaz,

I've made unwise decisions in the past  that had left me wounded and leaving permanent scars upon my heart. I wish so much I could take them back.  It's like a line in t.s. eliot's j. alfred prufrock where he says, "In a minute there is time, for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse..." I can only pray that you would have enough grace to forgive what I've done and see only the woman that God is molding and shaping me to be now. As clay that fell off the wheel for a time, I've learned to completely surrender into His hands, letting Him smooth out and repair the the cracks, healing the damage.

Wounds so

ragged and raw,

ravaged from being gouged out

time and time again

I'd wrapped myself beneath veils of feigned fearlessness to hide them-

It would only startle others if they saw...

But you came along...

I found myself letting go of the layers...

I fought so to keep them on...

You see through everything...

even what I try to hide from myself-

Ashamed and embarrassed,

This vulnerability is unnerving-

You see the scars now...

Are you still able to call me beautiful?

Yours Always,

Ruth

Room to Breathe

My Love,

It seems the busier I get, the more I tend to stop writing. I guess when I put so many other things ahead of quiet and rest, I let all the thoughts I'm going to write down pile up in a corner gathering dust. When I do give myself a minute, I look at the pile and just think again, "Later...," until there's a huge stack unkempt yellowing pieces of words and unexplored thoughts untouched and haphazardly splayed. It eventually will get to me and like a mad woman I'll sort through it with such fury, wondering how I ever let it get that messy.

Sigh. Most times I think I do that because I don't like facing the fact that I'm a bit lonely for you sometimes and just wish you'd get here already.

Yours forever,

Ruth

Silence doesn't mean deliberate neglect...

...it just means God's been keeping me busy. 

"Fellas, EMPOWER your woman to do what she needs to do. Don't assert your power over her to get your way. #manup" -Lecrae


He wrote this on his facebook the other day and it resonated with me. I'll write more later about it. But just know, I'm doin what I need to do. :)



Yours Always,

 Ruth

I'll promise to always have your back, no matter.

Yours,

Ruth

Everythings, Somethings, and Nothings

Dear Boaz,

Some days I have so much to rant and rave about. I mean, I talk about everything with the Lord in heart-wrenching, eyebrow-raising candid detail. But it's always at the winding down time at the end of my days that I have such a deep longing to know you already so I can pick up the phone and be able to share my everythings, somethings, and nothings with you. I know we're both not ready just yet to be in each others' lives. I have to remind myself constantly that God has His good reasons for that.

I was thinking about this the other day when I was at the library. I visualized God as an Author who is writing both our stories. (Yeah, I know, totally nerdy but whatever.)  He hasn't introduced our characters to each other yet because there are still a few things we need to learn before we meet.  All the different plots, settings, and scenes  we're experiencing are leading us towards each other to meet somewhere in between. Kinda cool, right? When I put it that way, it reminds me that He is ultimately in control of our story and helps me to surrender my desires, hopes, and dreams of meeting you right now to Him.

A quote my pastor used in a sermon once probably sums up everything I've said best. It goes:

I am Willing…
To receive what You give me,
To lack what You keep from me,
To relinquish what You take from me,
To surrender what You claim from me,
To suffer what You ordain for me,
To do what You command of me,
To wait until You say to me, "Go."

I really hope you're out there sharing the same longings with me and that you're letting God prepare you well.

Yours forever & hopefully soon,
Ruth

Shards of Glass

 Dear Boaz,

I can't stop listening to this song. The different perspectives woven together in the lyrics is pure genius. I appreciate music that can make us think, identify with, and  can speak to us.

Glass by Gavin Degraw
Fool you made the girl fall in love
You said those beautiful things
She thought you spoke things you mean

Caress her skin like it's glass
She hears your voice making plans
And she just breaks in your hands

You don't wanna see somebody beg
As you feel her heart surrender you begin to fall
How do you say that something's through
When it never even started, at least not for you

She's dreaming back on the past
Every opinion agreed
Doesn't know what to believe

It must have been for a cause
Our lives have so many doors
Don't think about him anymore

But it was the kiss, it took me away
It's like he knew that I am fragile
He handled me like glass

And knowing this I know that he'll get his
But I don't want the man to suffer
Not the way I am

'Cause deep down I know that he's glass too
And it really doesn't matter until it's happenin' to you
Everybody breaks, everybody breaks sometimes, sometimes

When I listen to it, I'm praying that God will guard our hearts as we journey towards each other (Proverbs 4:23), that with all our relationships we will be careful to protect and respect the dignity of those we are around. I know I'm guilty of being flippant with my words and the result has been broken friendships/relationships with people I said I cared about. I also know what it's like to be hurt by the carelessness of someone else's words...

Yours,
Ruth

Trust Issues

Dear Boaz,

Palms sweaty, heart racing,
so close to hyperventilating-
With an emergency exit already in sight,
I've got the escape plan in place for the flight
On edge, uneasy, I'm awkward with my feet
Where's the ground? I can hardly breathe-

Ready to bolt at a moment's notice
I'm

Curious, my Heart wants to stay
Anxious, my Mind wants to run
Conflicted, confused by these emotions
Terrified, to show any vulnerability

Is it worth the risk to go all in?
Who really likes the possibility of losing?
Is it worth the danger of hopes crushed?
Who really likes the possibility of pain?
Maybe the deeper issue I grapple with... my inability to trust...?

When we finally meet, please be patient with me... experiences have lead me to be so guarded it'll be hard sometimes to figure me out... don't stop trying... because really, I might actually like you, I'm just afraid to show it.

Yours Always,

Ruth

Falling in love is...

Dear Boaz,

Falling in love is like wanting and waiting to see
the other half of the moon (When it’s at the first quarter phase)
or a butterfly  finally emerging from it’s cocoon  (It takes how many days?)
you know it’s there, it’s just yet to reveal itself
in time

every second
every minute
every hour it grows
a little more of it shows              
until one day
it is full
it emerges,
Breathtaking in beauty and sweetness


Yours,
Ruth

Sometimes what I'm thinking is best said in song

Dear Boaz,

I can't wait until the day we're living out this song. (I can wait... but you know what I mean. :-] )

Yours Always,

Ruth

Once a runner...?

Dear Boaz,
So here's a bit of a confession. There's a small part of me that hopes you never find me. Mostly because I'm terrified to bare my soul completely to someone else. If there's something I dislike more, it's the feeling of vulnerability. You know emergency exits? I'm usually one of those people (okay, I'm probably the only person) who upon walking in a room, scans the place for them first, just in case.  Somehow I'm always ready with a pair of running shoes on my feet to escape. If there's one thing I know it's that you'll have your work cut out for you. You'll have to be incredibly special to get through my walls and with my guard down. But then again, if I know that your intent is to pursue me regardless of what obstacles are thrown your way, I don't think I'll have a problem letting them down.

Always,
Ruth

Sometimes you just want to crawl into a hole...

Dear Boaz,

It's just been one of those weeks... if I could start it over I would. it started off perfectly fine... then Monday night, as I was in the middle of writing a letter to you, I just found myself crying. I guess the lonelies got to me. Most of the time I have people in my life who continue to fill it with warm and fuzzies, and of course Jesus is constantly telling me how much He loves me keeping those lonelies at bay. But it may have been because everyone else has someone already. To be alone on a day when everyone else is exchanging "I love yous" like mad made it that much harder to bottle up the longing for the experience of saying that  to someone special too and having it said back. I just have so much love to give and I wish that you were here already so I could show you how much you already mean to me.
Sigh. Then Tuesday was a disaster. There are just days where I'm not so eloquent with my words, am a complete spaz, and feel so mortified by what I do and say I just want to crawl into a hole and curl up in a ball. It's upsetting to me that sometimes I can never get it right and feel like a complete screw up. Could you still love someone like me even though I'll mess up? When on some days I'm a walking social disaster?


Yesterday my freshman small group girls helped soothe my aching heart. Every time I'm around them I can't help but feel loved. In the ebb and flow of our discussion the topic that emerged at the end of the night is how God never changes. If there is a group of people who are in the midst of and know very well how much they will change it's high school girls. And seeing how my girls talked about and listening to their prayers about how much they are just so grateful for His stability, for being unchanging...was comforting.


It reminds me of James 1:17. So even during the days I'm being completely neurotic and spastic I know He'll always be the same. His love for me will always be the same. It's a relief.


Yours always,
Ruth

They're counting the chickens before they hatch... but at least I might have a few ducks already ready in the row...

Dear Boaz,

I lead a small group of freshman girls at my church. A few of them have decided to live vicariously through me and plan our wedding. I've forgotten how much I thought about finding true love, weddings, and marriage back then so I can see why they would want to. Being one of a handful of high school girl leaders who is still single and not dating but of marriageable age, they're seeing to it that they are involved in my love (and nonexistent until you find me) life. I really can't help but laugh since I haven't even met you yet and they've already got plans.

In some ways though, I'm put at ease by their enthusiasm and excitement. It reminds me of the verse Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."  I can see some parallels in their planning and God having plans for me. Although I can't say whether I can trust my girls with their wedding plans for me, I know without a doubt that I can trust God's. I trust His plans in every other area of my life, how much more to give over my hopes and my dreams when it comes to you? I'm hopeful for what lies ahead, knowing that He's got it all figured out even when I don't.  Verses 12 and 13 say,  "...so then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."  I just know that until I'm found, I'm continuing to seek Him and finding that I'm growing more intensely in love with Him daily. I'm praying that you continue to grow in your love for Him as well. It'll be great that when we do meet that we can love Him along side each other.

Faithfully yours,

Ruth

It's only words and words are all I have to take your heart away...

 Dear Boaz,

I feel a bit silly doing this. In some ways, it's like being transported back to high school and I'm in class writing you a note. But I'm resolved to do this because I want you to know everything... how God is working in me and through me, sharing my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, struggles and fears up to the moment I meet you. So here it is, raw and honest down to the minute details of what's in my heart and on my mind for you to someday read. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being wordy. I hope my words will encourage and strengthen you as I pray and seek God's will in my journey to you.

In between the witty subject and signature lines,
Will my words I express be eloquent enough?
I can only hope for them
to become the sweet nothings whispered in your ear
to become the hands that intertwine with yours
to become the arms that embrace around you
to become the kiss placed gently upon your lips
with this distance...

Yours Always,

Ruth