Trust Issues

Dear Boaz,

Palms sweaty, heart racing,
so close to hyperventilating-
With an emergency exit already in sight,
I've got the escape plan in place for the flight
On edge, uneasy, I'm awkward with my feet
Where's the ground? I can hardly breathe-

Ready to bolt at a moment's notice
I'm

Curious, my Heart wants to stay
Anxious, my Mind wants to run
Conflicted, confused by these emotions
Terrified, to show any vulnerability

Is it worth the risk to go all in?
Who really likes the possibility of losing?
Is it worth the danger of hopes crushed?
Who really likes the possibility of pain?
Maybe the deeper issue I grapple with... my inability to trust...?

When we finally meet, please be patient with me... experiences have lead me to be so guarded it'll be hard sometimes to figure me out... don't stop trying... because really, I might actually like you, I'm just afraid to show it.

Yours Always,

Ruth

Falling in love is...

Dear Boaz,

Falling in love is like wanting and waiting to see
the other half of the moon (When it’s at the first quarter phase)
or a butterfly  finally emerging from it’s cocoon  (It takes how many days?)
you know it’s there, it’s just yet to reveal itself
in time

every second
every minute
every hour it grows
a little more of it shows              
until one day
it is full
it emerges,
Breathtaking in beauty and sweetness


Yours,
Ruth

Sometimes what I'm thinking is best said in song

Dear Boaz,

I can't wait until the day we're living out this song. (I can wait... but you know what I mean. :-] )

Yours Always,

Ruth

Once a runner...?

Dear Boaz,
So here's a bit of a confession. There's a small part of me that hopes you never find me. Mostly because I'm terrified to bare my soul completely to someone else. If there's something I dislike more, it's the feeling of vulnerability. You know emergency exits? I'm usually one of those people (okay, I'm probably the only person) who upon walking in a room, scans the place for them first, just in case.  Somehow I'm always ready with a pair of running shoes on my feet to escape. If there's one thing I know it's that you'll have your work cut out for you. You'll have to be incredibly special to get through my walls and with my guard down. But then again, if I know that your intent is to pursue me regardless of what obstacles are thrown your way, I don't think I'll have a problem letting them down.

Always,
Ruth

Sometimes you just want to crawl into a hole...

Dear Boaz,

It's just been one of those weeks... if I could start it over I would. it started off perfectly fine... then Monday night, as I was in the middle of writing a letter to you, I just found myself crying. I guess the lonelies got to me. Most of the time I have people in my life who continue to fill it with warm and fuzzies, and of course Jesus is constantly telling me how much He loves me keeping those lonelies at bay. But it may have been because everyone else has someone already. To be alone on a day when everyone else is exchanging "I love yous" like mad made it that much harder to bottle up the longing for the experience of saying that  to someone special too and having it said back. I just have so much love to give and I wish that you were here already so I could show you how much you already mean to me.
Sigh. Then Tuesday was a disaster. There are just days where I'm not so eloquent with my words, am a complete spaz, and feel so mortified by what I do and say I just want to crawl into a hole and curl up in a ball. It's upsetting to me that sometimes I can never get it right and feel like a complete screw up. Could you still love someone like me even though I'll mess up? When on some days I'm a walking social disaster?


Yesterday my freshman small group girls helped soothe my aching heart. Every time I'm around them I can't help but feel loved. In the ebb and flow of our discussion the topic that emerged at the end of the night is how God never changes. If there is a group of people who are in the midst of and know very well how much they will change it's high school girls. And seeing how my girls talked about and listening to their prayers about how much they are just so grateful for His stability, for being unchanging...was comforting.


It reminds me of James 1:17. So even during the days I'm being completely neurotic and spastic I know He'll always be the same. His love for me will always be the same. It's a relief.


Yours always,
Ruth